Could You Leave Feedback On 7th Grade Paper?
Smoking kills almost five million people each year. Smoking not only
harms you, but other people around you. Also, discarded cigarettes
start most fires. Smoking is dangerous for everyone.
Smoking kills 45 people every hour. It is estimated every cigarette
takes twelve minutes off your life. 1/6 of the worlds population
smokes.
Smoking can also harm people who don’t smoke. Second hand smoke kills
approximately 490,000 people each year, in the United States. Dana
Reeve died of lung cancer. Dana had been a nonsmoker all her life, but
she was around smokers.
Cigarettes also start fires. According to the University of
California. Smoking is the leading cause for fire deaths. A electronic
telegraph says, “The cigarette end, thrown from another vehicle,
entered the lorry’s air intake, setting to fire the air filter and
then the engine..”
According to Quitsmokingsupport.com smoking kills more people than
car accidents, homicides, AIDS, suicides, drug overdos
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Comment by D.J. on 9 July 2009:
I liked it, very informative and objective, gives facts. i think it’s good
Comment by Puzzler on 10 July 2009:
Not bad for a first try. What you have done is list a host of facts without really giving any ‘life’ to your paper.
Try something like this for example:
Smoking kills almost five million people each year. Each one of us probably knows someone who has died from smoking or being around others who smoke. Let us look more closely at some of the effects of the most wide-spread addiction in our society today.
See? Adding a little ‘oomph’ between each fact perks up the listener’s ears and gets them ready to ‘digest’ what you plan to say next.
Good luck. Hope you get an A+!!!
Comment by qtpie937 on 10 July 2009:
I am in the 9th grade, it is very good ,but what u would want to do is stop beginning ur sentences with smoking. For example in your essay it says: “Smoking is dangerous for everyone.Smoking kills 45 people every hour.”
You should have said ” Smoking is dangerous for everyone, as a result this addictive behavior kills 45 people every hour. You have to make it sound more mature. But other than your essay is very convincing.
Comment by Steve R on 10 July 2009:
Please check your stats. Smoking is not the leading cause of home fires, candles and home heaters are.
Comment by hackerou on 10 July 2009:
A spell-check and from a writers point of view, I would mix up the sentence openers a tad.
ie. The overuse of “Smoking” an opener, even thought it is the subject at hand.